After the surprisingly stressful meditation for mamas workshop, I took a relaxing, mindful walk downtown while baby slept. No sooner had we hit the road, when baby did an enormous poop and I had to rush into the changing station of the local baby store, lest he leak all over the Bugaboo stroller.

Lo and behold, it was one of the biggest poops ever. I started to worry about whether I was going to have to venture out to buy some new clothes in the baby store, when I suddenly realised with a jolt that OHMYGOD! THERE’S BLOOD IN BABY’S POOP!!!

My heart was hammering, and waves of anxiety washed through my chest making it tight and difficult to breathe. I tried to stay mindful and calm, to be the scientist and closely examine the poop. There were about 6 or 7 small blood clots along with these streaks and clumps of slimy mucus stuff. Pretty revolting. Not a normal poop by any stretch of the imagination. What could it mean? Was he bleeding internally? Did I need to go to the hospital? Would he be OK? Was he going to die???

I bundled the bloody evidence into my bag, and rushed outside to phone my pediatrician. As luck would have it, my iPhone was out of charge. Goddam I hate that iPhone, it always needs charging when I need it the most. I borrowed a normal phone off a stranger in a panic, only to find the pediatrician wasn’t there and I had to leave a message, and bite my nails for an hour waiting for them to call back. It was rough.

I grabbed my baby and closely studied him for signs of I-don’t-know-what. He looked startled and began crying. He seemed normal. Maybe I freaked him out, but then again maybe he was crying because he was in pain. I felt so helpless. My baby was a vulnerable little critter. How could I protect my little one from the dangers of being alive in this world? He could be bleeding to death inside, and I wouldn’t know what to do.

I rushed home and went on the internet. The font of all wisdom. I typed in “blood”, “poop” and “baby” and got 194,000 pages in response. Thank God for the internet. It turns out that a bit of blood in babies stool is nothing to be worried about. By the time the pediatrician called me back I was a picture of calm. And now I’m an expert on the subject. So here’s the scoop on blood in babies poop. It’s almost always caused by:

  1. An anal fissure, in other words a small tear somewhere up the baby butt. Every time baby strains to do a poop, it re-opens and spills little drops of blood into the poop stream.
  2. A food allergy, most commonly dairy (although it can also be soy, peanuts, corn, wheat or gluten) which also has other symptoms like a rash, reflux, and irritability.
  3. A bacterial infection, which is very rare, which also has other symptoms like severe diarrhea and fever.

Since baby seemed normal (no temperature anyway, I can never tell if he has diarrhea – his poop is always explosive and runny) I ruled out the bacterial infection. He might have had a cut up his butt, but I took a good look up there and it didn’t seem sore (my pediatrician told me to do this). So that left a food allergy. Which was hard to understand since I have just about eliminated all foods known to man in my diet, in an attempt to cure baby from an early newborn rash that looked more like the plague than anything else. On closer inspection, he did have a bit of a rash and he had certainly been extra fussy earlier in the day. I tried to think if I had eaten anything different, or strange, in the last 24 hours, and then I remembered..the KOMBUCHA!

It had to be the Kombucha probiotic tea drink I had the day before. I never normally touch the stuff. The one time my mum drank it, she had an instant episode of atrial fibrillation. I know it’s supposed to be good for you, the elixir of life, the tea of immortality, and all that. And I believe it. But my theory is that all those millions and zillions of bacteria and yeast species, went straight through my breastmilk and into baby’s belly, upsetting the delicate flora and fauna balance of his tiny digestive ecosystem.

There is nothing about this on the internet, and I’m sure the proponents of Kombucha (of which there are many) will be horrified to read my conclusion, and will do everything they can to convince me otherwise. But it just makes sense to me. Take heed. Kombucha tea is too strong a medicine for nursing mums and breastfeeding babies.

I called the F.O.B. to tell him my theory, and to panic him about the blood in baby’s poo – why should I be the only one to panic? And do you know what he said? He told me to wait until the bleeding stops, and then try again to drink some kombucha and see what happens to baby’s poop. Hello? Hello? Is anyone at home? Sometimes I seriously wonder about the F.O.B.’s marbles. I let him know quietly but firmly that our baby was not an experiment, and promptly hung up the phone. Unbelievable.

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