Bunny and I are going to see the F.O.B. tomorrow. It’s been 4 months since we last saw him. Bunny has changed so much in that time. I’ve changed so much. Even though he’s called almost every day, in many ways I feel like we’re going to visit a stranger. Like we’re going to meet our long-lost arranged marriage partner from overseas. It’s weird. 

I don’t know how I feel about seeing him. Of course, I’m excited for Bunny to see him. Just not sure about my own feelings. He wants to have “important discussions” about our future. By which I assume he means he wants us to get married and live in Singapore. I can’t tell if I should go along with his plan because he’s kind and good, and he loves me and his son. I’m so unsure of myself these days. I don’t trust what I feel anymore.

I can’t remember why I was mad at him before. I can’t remember what he did wrong. There  was the little incident of him not telling me the truth about being married already. But he’s divorced now, so didn’t he make up for his mistake? Surely there must have been more water under the bridge than that? I know he’s a dark horse, and I’ll probably never know what really goes on in his head. I’ve called him a slippery eel on more than one occasion. But does it matter? Can I accept him and love him for who he is? Can I forgive and let go of the past, and move on to the future?

I wish that I could figure out this relationship and love stuff. You know, get a grip on what makes a partnership between a man and woman work in the long-term. Whether staying together for a child is the best thing, or the worst thing. Or is there something in between?

I didn’t plan for any of this. I thought I’d meet my soulmate one day, and we’d settle down in our hand built cob house, with some chickens and a couple of cows, and a field full of veggies and fruit trees. After a few years of blissful lovemaking , nest building and heartfelt communication, we’d co-create a couple of wonderful children and spend our days making crafts and cooking goodies together as a team. One big, happy family living in harmony with nature.

The life I’ve created is a long way from that pipe dream. It’s OK, I can let go and accept the different life that I have instead. But I wish that I knew what to do with the F.O.B. situation, one way or another. It’s so confusing, and there’s so much at stake. I want Bunny to have a father. I want us to be good role models for him. I want so badly to do the right thing. And yet I have no role models, no reference points and no guides to tell me what to do and how to do it. Somehow I have to navigate these rocky seas by myself, and hope to find land that is rich and fertile for new growth. And the trouble is, I don’t seem to have my sea legs about me.