gluten_free_babyAs if it weren’t enough to be alcohol-free, drug-free, and partner-free, now I have to be gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, egg-free, tomato-free, berry-free, apple-free, nut-free, corn-free and sugar-free.

Phew! That, peeps, is a LOAD of frees to be dealing with. 

What in God’s name am I supposed to live on??? My entire existence has been built from aforementioned food staples. I NEED to eat bread and butter. I HAVE to eat omelettes. Without my cup of tea in the morning, I’m a useless pile of poo. I’m English, for goodness sake. I MUST have dairy, and if not dairy, then I MUST have soy substitute. Rice milk in tea is like cat’s piss. Almond milk curdles into stuff that looks like algae on a manky pond. Hemp milk? Bleugh!!!

The lowdown is that Bunny and I are suffering from multiple food intolerances and allergies. Quite why they have decided to rear their ugly heads into my life right now, is beyond my comprehension. I am HEALTHY! I drink lots of water! I exercise! I don’t smoke! I don’t eat food additives!

Anyway, it’s pointless fighting it. Acceptance is the only way forward. I’ve been in denial for the last 16 months, but no more! 

I knew Bunny was allergic to dairy since the get-go. And wheat. But the gluten connection only hit me like a ton of bricks in the last couple of weeks. All my spare time is now spent reading gluten free blogs.  I had no idea that gluten sensitivity was so common. 10 years ago, it was 1 in several thousand. Now around 1 in a hundred people have it. It’s an epidemic, peeps! We are ALL going to have a gluten intolerance by the time 2012 comes around. You mark my words!

It all seems so obvious now. Of COURSE he’s gluten intolerant. That’s what all the writhing and fighting in bed has been about. The eczema. The fatigue. The hyperactivity. The constant pulling of the right ear. The bloom of red rash over stomach, back, neck and face. The neediness. The not wanting to eat anything. The constipation. The diarrhea. Poor little bun-buns has been suffering for months now, and his ditzy mama has taken nearly a year and a half to figure it out. What’s more (and this is surely connected to the ditziness) I’ve been suffering from similar symptoms myself. I have a hideous rash on the back of my arms. I don’t sleep well. I’m spacey. My digestion is all messed up. I feel bloated and puffy.

Right now my kidneys and liver are aching so badly, that the doctor says I have to drink 3 to 4 litres of water A DAY to flush out my system!!! And if I want to get better I have to be absolutely adamant in eliminating all aggravating foodstuffs from my diet. It’s no joke, folks. Things have got to change big-time around here.

I feel like someone lifted a veil from my eyes, and suddenly the whole world looks different. Things make sense again. I have a handle on what is happening on Planet Bunny. It doesn’t look good, and I’m struggling but at least I’m not in a denial daze. I’ve got my feet planted firmly in reality land. I’m dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt, one hand at a time.

I’ve cleared out my kitchen cupboards and ditched all known allergens. I’ve bought my gluten free restaurant cards. I’ve ordered a couple of cookbooks. I even subscribed to “Living Without” magazine (pretty crap title if you ask me, not exactly enticing one to subscribe). I haven’t gone into the toiletries yet, but that’s next.

I have no idea how we’re going to get through playdates and lunchdates, nevermind traveling back to London next month to see the F.O.B. (I wonder if British Airways does a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, vegetarian meal?) God only knows how challenging this is going to be once Bunny goes to preschool…

Somehow I am going to have to upgrade my culinary skills, and my communication skills, and muddle us through this minefield of food intolerances. It’s gonna be a steep learning curve.

We need a T-shirt. Some stickers. A sign or two to stick around the house. Food disabled. Nutritionally challenged. Please don’t feed.

On the upside, I’m bound to lose some weight around the middle on this diet. Look on the bright side, eh?